Hadley

Hadley

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Haddles is 2 months, Gavs is 4

What a crazy two months this has been.  But in spite of everything, it's been crazy good.  I mean look at this girl.

  

I think we may be starting to settle into a little bit of a routine (well, as much of one as you can have with 3 kids).  My pain is basically gone, and the only doctor we have seen this week was for our well child checks.  

The boys are doing a sports camp this week in the mornings.  Today after camp we went to the pool with friends, and it was like a real summer day! I was able to put Hadley in the gym childcare for an hour to swim with Gavin.  He's doing a great job trying to swim on his own.  It's not "pretty" but he's at least at the point where he wouldn't instantly sink to the bottom if he fell in.  

I feel like I have a lot that I want to share as the emotions from the big transitions we have gone through shake out.  Of course, it's already 10:00, so I must be disciplined and get to bed.  Thankfully, my mom and Hadley and I are taking a little girls trip to California to visit family this weekend so I'm hoping for a few free minutes to help type out everything that is in my head.

And for the record, even "normal" life with 3 kids pretty much kicks my booty.  All my friends with 3+ made it look way too easy.  It's also incredibly worth it.  :-)

Sorry all of these pictures are Facebook duplicates.  I have so many more I'd love to post … broken record: no time!

These 2 month pics of hadley were driving me nuts to edit because the blanket she was bouncing back way too much light.  I didn't have time to mess with them too much, so I don't love the images, but the subject makes up for it :).  And no, I didn't saturate her eyes.  In the light, that's their blue.  I doubt they will stay that steel-blue, so all the more reason to take as many photos now as I can!!











This is my favorite picture of Gavin because it combines his mischievous  defiance with his irresistible sweetness.  He's such a charmer.  








Monday, July 7, 2014

Benign but not forgotten

On the 4th of July, we met my surgeon at his office bright and early to get my penrose drain (like a wet-noodle looking straw sticking out of my neck, puuurrty!) pulled.  I was terrified because I was already in so much pain, and the thought of him pulling it out was the last thing that sounded fun.

Matt prayed for me in the car, and I took a pain pill 30 minutes before like a good nurse-patient.  We were a few minutes early to meet the surgeon, so we were in the hallway of his office when he got off the elevator.  He just yelled down the hall to us: "BENIGN.  It was all benign!"

I didn't even register what he was saying.  I had zero expectation for the result to come back before Monday and had geared up for a long weekend wait.  The doctor was just as surprised that it was already back.

To everyone who prayed for my benign results and for a quick read, thank you!!! It would be easy to dismiss this all with "wow the lab worked quickly" or "I just knew it would be benign." but I am convinced that the result is 100% credited to God's hand in all of it as response to fervent prayer.


I could go on about the weekend, but I'm afraid I'm going to lose you, and the theme of what I want to say next is just way more important than the details of our weekend.

We had Gavin's little birthday party on Sunday (thank you Mauria for pretty much doing everything).  Once we got home last night, I texted my friend Lauren to say how insanely tired I felt.  I didn't even stay awake 5 minutes longer to get her reply.

Perfect little angel Hadley has been giving us the gift of sleep this week.  She has been sleeping 8 hours at night since my surgery.  This is some odd genetic attribute that my children have blessed me with, so don't think for a second I'm some sleep guru.  It is nothing I do, they just sleep through the night really early.  Sorry to all the moms who want to kick me right now.

When I woke up at 5:30 this morning before anyone else, I sat up and for the first time in days didn't have searing pain in my neck and jaw.  I was decently rested.  I felt oddly like "myself" who is actually a relative stranger after a long pregnancy and the past 2 months.

Que: CHATTER.

"You are feeling better.  You have so much to do.  You haven't done anything productive for days.  Actually weeks.  Actually months.  Actually a year.  You have some serious catching up to do.  Laundry, cleaning, bills, baby announcements, photos, thank you notes, busy busy busy busy busy."

And this time … because it wasn't instantly recognizable as fear or worry (in fact, it just sounded like me), I didn't spot it at first.  Sounds about right in my brain: a constant laundry list of all the things I need to accomplish to make me valued and satisfied.  All good things.  Things to help our family survive and thrive.  Things to bless others.  RIGHT?

I grabbed my phone as I always do to check the time.  I saw the reply text that Lauren had sent the night before.  It read, "New week, fresh new chapter.  You are probably going to be drained this week. Emotional drainage is harder than any marathon, and you just went through a triathlon my friend."

CRASH.  That metaphor hit straight in my heart.

In the past 2 months I've had a baby (which is enough in itself), been hospitalized with her thinking the worst, and had surgery and a cancer scare.  Triathlon.  The race course had several unforeseen uphills too including all the work of fattening up a tiny baby, thrush (nurses don't even roll your eyes, it's a BEAST, I had never experienced it and hope to never again), the pukes (Gavin), Matt moving to a new store,  our besties moving away, and more.

The chatterbox (Satan) would just want me to see all of those things as disturbances from what really matters in life according to him (clean house, happy kids, perfect little quiet balanced life).  Since his attempt to scare me with cancer didn't work to make me question my faith, the sneaky guy would subtly want me to get back to the enslaved grind of chasing that perfect life ASAP. It's actually what he does best.

Chatter.

I had never recognized it to the extent as I did this morning after reading Lauren's text.  Matt and I just finished a triathlon  We need to recover.  We also will never be the same.  I refuse to be.  My perspective on life, faith, God, motherhood, etc has been forever changed.

I had asked the doctor to write down the name of my tumor on a post-it so I wouldn't forget it because I was in such shock on Friday when he told me.  I took that post-it and stuck in on the fridge.

Matt and I have been talking about how whenever we get into a fight, we need to just say: "Remember when we thought you had cancer?"  Nothing to put you in proper perspective than remembering the day you stared down that fear.


I'm hoping that the post-it note doesn't start to just blend in to the happy photos scattering our fridge.  My prayer is that it hits me in the gut every single time I see it.

"Benign mixed tumor.  Pleomorphic adenoma."

Aka: You get your life back.

Sort of.

I actually don't wan't that old life back.  I don't want to be more concerned with the status of my laundry room than with how long I get to be here to watch my kids grow up.

God has been speaking to me all day long about this topic, and I could share forever, but I will save it for another day.  His very quiet whisper is still much harder to hear than the constant chatter that is so familiar reminding me of all of the things I should be doing.

Right now, the physical pain as well as my super cute neck bling are a constant reminder of where my priorities should lie.  I HATE "selflies" (epitome of "look at me, look at me, I'm so awesome") but here is a rare one from me.  Bandage selfie.   It's the new rage.

Once this eventually stops throbbing (much better today but still not fun) and the incision fades, I will be tempted to brush off this experience.  I am truly hoping that post-it keeps me grounded.

Benign but not forgotten.

This may sound completely crazy, but I have been thinking about it a lot, and I think I am actually just really grateful for this whole thing.  I would not have wanted to live one more day trapped in the bondage of the daily life habitual chatter-imposed pressures I was imprisoning myself in.

I plan to turn to the story of Mary and Martha in the bible this week and read it with new eyes.  I've always been really annoyed by that story.  I think I may finally be able to read it with some better understanding.

I used to think that I lived life not dependent on circumstance to make me content, but I actually had no idea what that really meant.

We sang this worship song at church on Sunday, and it was so amazing that I have to share the words.  It's not nearly as soul-piercing without the music (the language of the soul), but the lyrics still really speak so much.

"When the sea is calm and all is right. When I feel Your favor flood my life.  

Even in the good, I'll follow You. Even in the good, I'll follow You

When the boat is tossed upon the waves. When I wonder if You'll keep me safe

I believe everything that You say You are

I believe that I have seen Your unchanging heart

In the good things and in the hardest part

I believe and I will follow You. 
I believe and I will follow You

When I see the wicked prospering. When I feel I have no voice to sing

Even in the want, I'll follow You. Even in the want, I'll follow You

When I find myself so far from home. And You lead me somewhere, that I don't wanna go

Even in my death, I'll follow You. Even in my death, I'll follow You

When I come to end this race I've run. And I receive the prize that Christ has won

I will be with You in Paradise. I will be with You in Paradise!" 


I hope that you can take even one ounce of perspective from what I've been learning and be blessed by it.  One last repetitive thank you to everyone who is making life do-able right now while I am still healing and recovering.  We love you and could not do life without you.

Here are some quick phone kid pics as your reward for actually reading to the bottom of this.  I'm not blessed with the gift of succinct-ness.

Blessings on your week.  ~ Jessica

















Thursday, July 3, 2014

Recovery

Hello incredible friends.  I wanted to do an update about my surgery.

Here was Hadley entertaining me the night before.  She was up way later than normal, but she was keeping me so distracted with funny faces that I loved it.

 



The surgery went very well.  I think the procedure was about an hour and a half.  I dreamed I was taking a nap holding little Hadley in my arms.  It was so peaceful.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.

She brought me a lot of peace in the pre-op short stay area.  As I walked in the little bay and put my gown on I was feeling extremely nervous.  But as soon as I was able to hold her, my nerves instantly calmed.  They really should let anyone gearing up for a scary event hold a little baby before hand.  They just ooze peace.  My mom, Matt, and my sister in law Hannah with my niece Quinn just all gathered in my tiny little room waiting with me.  We just chatted and had a nice time, so I was well distracted.  I still got waves of nervousness (plus I hadn't eaten/drank in 12 hours and with breastfeeding that makes you really shaky).  Soon enough, they came to get me.

Here we are in pre-op.  She charmed all the staff, of course.

Surgery was scheduled for 11, but I didn't go in until noon.  I remember all the bright white lights in  the room and just wishing they would hurry and put me to sleep.  Only after a few minutes, they did just that.

In recovery, my pain was so strong that I couldn't swallow which made me feel like I couldn't breathe.  Plus, I remember just really wanting to see the doctor to find out if he thought it looked benign or malignant (he had said he would most likely be able to tell).  The nurse cranked up my oxygen and gave me 2 doses of fentanyl, and I was able to go back to short stay within an hour.

The doctor met with my family in the waiting room and said he just wasn't certain either way if the tumor was benign or malignant.  The tumor was bigger than they had surmised from the CT scan, and it went up in to my jaw line.  He said if it had been turned the other direction, I would have felt it much earlier.  Thankfully it was fully encapsulated in the gland, so he feels that he removed all of it.  He did say that the rest of the surrounding area looked really good.  He took out one lymph node next to the tumor.  It didn't look all that concerning but he just didn't want to have to do another surgery to take it out later for any reason.  He had to get back to clinic so I never saw him after, but I will meet him tomorrow morning to have him pull my penrose drain (looks like a flat straw sticking out of my neck).  He's coming in just for me on 4th of July which is so nice of him.

I had been really nervous about nausea after the anesthesia because I was so nauseous with my wisdom teeth sedation.  The anesthesiologist gave me a scopolamine patch to prevent nausea for 72 hours; it was a huge success.  I have not had one hint of nausea.  Yay!  I've just had enough nausea in the past year from my pregnancy, so I am stoked that I didn't have to deal with it this time.

We stayed in short stay for a little over an hour, and they let us go home.  I went to sleep as soon as we got here, and slept pretty much the entire night except for getting up to feed Hadley.

As a nurse, I always tell my patients that swelling and concurrently pain will increase in the first 48 hours. I'm definitely experiencing that now.  I have been much more painful than I had anticipated.  Even with staying on top of all the pain meds, it's just very sore.  Plus, you don't realize how much you move your neck to look around, talk, drink, or eat.  Eating is especially tough, but my mom filled my fridge with juice and soft things, and I've been able to take a few bites of solids today too.

Again, its all just much more intense than I had thought it was going to be, but it's probably good because knowing me if I felt at all normal, I'd push myself and not just rest.  You would all be proud of me because I am laying low and asking for help.  Everyone has been generous beyond words.

I have a stocked fridge, gourmet meals, gorgeous flowers, restaurant gift cards, and infinite offers for help with kiddos and laundry and chores/errands.  It's mind-blowing.


The boys devoured the quinoa and black bean quesadillas that Jinger left in my fridge while we were at the hospital.  And Lauren and the kids brought dinner today.  How cute are the "bigs" Brooklyn and Tyler holding the "littles" Levi and Hadley.  The "middles" Ben and Gavin were off somewhere probably causing mischief. ;-)

I want to say one extra special thank you to the several moms who have messaged me offering their frozen breastmilk.  That stuff is liquid gold and very hard earned on their part, so the fact that they would offer that on their own is just beyond words for adequate thank you.  I've told them that I was able to get through surgery fine because I have a decent amount in the freezer but if there is any upcoming treatment that will require me to pause nursing, I will absolutely accept the gift.  Hopefully it does not come to that and they can bless another mom with it, but knowing that it's out there has given me so much peace in that area.

My friend Kristin just posted on her caring bridge the following, and she said it so well that I'm going to quote her:

"Once again, I just want to express my gratitude and appreciation for all the support I've received. All the offers to help with our girls, chores around our house, or food for our family from those of you living around us have been incredibly selfless and amazing. All the prayers and love from our family and friends that don't live around us have been incredibly encouraging. Then there's the notes from people that I've never even met, and those are incredibly inspirational. It has all been overwhelming, but in the best way possible :). Thank you! Those two words feel ridiculously inadequate, but they're all I've got. I just hope you all know that none of what you've done or said has gone unnoticed. The strength and determination you have shared with me will help me conquer this."

Thank you Kristin for saying so well all that feel in my heart. Kristin had her PET scan this morning. Please pray that the PET and her biopsy from yesterday all come back showing NO metastasis and NO lymph node involvement. Also, she is in a clinical trial for a new drug, so please pray that she gets the real medication and not the placebo. PRAY PRAY PRAY!

Alrighty, this is long enough, but I just wanted to share how things went. Those who know me know how self-sufficient I like to be, so you'd be proud of me because I am not only accepting help but actually requesting it. This afternoon Matt had a meeting, so I texted a couple friends to see if anyone could come over to help. Sure enough, the amazing Jenny Devine jumped on it and brought her kiddos to entertain mine. It made what could have been a very stressful afternoon so chill and peaceful.

So, if you offer to help, I very well may take you up on it :-). Some seasons of life just call for extra hands, and that is what community is all about. I love each and every one of you for your extreme generosity of time, resources, and incredibly encouraging words. I love you all so much for it.

Simply put, thank you.

~ Jessica

Prayers ...

I think it is always so important to acknowledge and thank God for answered prayers.  So from my list last time, I have several praises.

1.  Surgery could not have gone smoother, and there was no nerve damage!

2.  I only had to dump ONE feeding.  

3.  We did tell the boys a short little bit about the surgery, and they were totally fine with it.  Plus, they have LOVED all the extra company and attention around here.

4.  Jon and Kelly safely arrived in Bend.  Not without stress because the youngest Anna seems to have some sort of a strain in her lower leg and is refusing to walk on it.  No fracture on X-Ray.  Hopefully it will clear up soon.  It's sort of impossible to unpack while holding a 2 year old.

5.  Kristin said she is not too sore and is recovering well from her lymph node biopsy.

6.  God has been so fully present in all of the details I've needed him to take care of.  

7.  My BIGGEST praise of all is the steady stream of peace I've been feeling.  I just know it is from all of the people praying.  I have been able to just really feel calm and in the moment, and even if the pathology comes back as malignant, I just have this strong sense that everything is going to be ok.


For those who would like to keep praying for us and have asked for specifics, here are some new ideas.

1.  I have to get my drain pulled tomorrow, and I'm thinking that is not going to feel amazing.  Prayers for good pain control during that and just in general, as it is still quite painful now.

2.  That the boys would have a fun 4th of July even though we can't do much out and about.  

3.  To get the pathology back as soon as possible, and for it to be BENIGN!

4.  To get my thyroid biopsy scheduled and done and for it to be benign as well.

Happy long weekend everyone!  












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