My faith is not in the boat.

I'm going to be brutally honest as I write this.  You never know when someone else may stumble across it while up feeding their newborn at 4 am in their frightened google search of "neoplasm in submandibular gland."  Maybe my faith and experience can help a scared mama out there take a breath, silence the fear, and just trust that she is in the good hands of the God who loves each one of us far beyond what we can ever know.  

When I thought of maternity leave all summer long, it certainly didn't look like what the past 6 weeks have looked like.  I've seen the inside of more doctors offices and hospitals than I EVER have in my life.  Thankfully, God knew.  He was preparing my heart even when I didn't realize it.

Last week, unrelated to anything going on with me, my friend Kelly texted me the link to this very gifted, energetic pastor's recent sermon.  The church is called Elevation Church out of North Carolina, and Pastor Steven Furtick is incredibly charismatic in a very genuine and endearing way.  His sermon called "It Will Happen" (number three) from the series Crash the Chatterbox blew my mind.  The pastor preached passionately about staring down our worst fears in the face with the boldness of knowing who we are in Jesus.

I've been a woman of strong faith for many years, and I've come to know God intimately, but I'm never surprised when He takes my faith to a whole deeper level just with one scripture, sermon, song, lesson, interaction, etc.  I just knew after hearing that sermon that my perspective would never be the same.  

If I've intrigued you, please listen to it (link above).  I guarantee it will catch your interest in a few minutes even if you are not a Christian.  

From the sermon, I asked myself in what areas in my life I was having faith "in the boat" to get me across rough waters versus having faith that GOD would save my circumstance.   I could go on and on, but just listen to it.  

Armed with an even deeper faith, the very next day, my worst fear stopped me in my tracks (I'm not clever enough to know the nautical version of that saying … ran me aground?).

For some back story, Hadley was born on 5/16, and we brought her home on 5/18.  That evening I felt a sore throat coming on, so I felt around my neck for swollen lymph nodes.  Sure enough, I found a large one.  I had Matt feel it, and we both sort of looked at each other in a funny way.  Without any words, we both wondered, "Is that ok?" I will never forget looking into his eyes and for a split second each of us feeling gnawing fear and panic.  But I said, "I think I'm just getting sick."

I dismissed it as a viral related swollen lymph node, and I did have a very sore throat those first few days home.  The illness went away, the lump didn't.  With everything we were adjusting to at home having 3 kids, Matt transitioning at work to a new store and having to get his current store ready for new management, then Hadley being hospitalized, having to work so hard to bulk her weight up (and I could go on with several other headaches that have seemed to just not let up in the past month), life was so crazy that it didn't surprise me my immune system was in overdrive and the node was still big.  

Finally after 5 weeks, I went to my doctor, and she scheduled an ultrasound just to check it out.  I completely thought it was a node but just wanted to be safe.  When the report came back, I was shocked to hear that the nearly 3 cm mass was actually concerning for a neoplasm (tumor).

After a RIDICULOUS amount of phone calls complete with 3 kids being kids in the background (our medical system's red tape is absolutely absurd, and the fact that we make patients navigate so many hoops while they are grasping the concept that they may have something scary that is wrong with them is just terrible), I had an CT scan on Friday.  The read came back within an hour.

Not only did the radiologist feel that the mass in my submandibular salivary gland was suspicious of a tumor (no way to know benign or malignant without biopsy), he also saw a 1 cm nodule on my thyroid.

The lymph nodes in the area are normal which is a very good thing.  I was instructed to see ENT (ear, nose, and throat) specialists on Monday.  And then, to wait.

Anyone who has done this wait from first hearing of a possible cancerous growth to finding out what exactly you are facing understands the spot that we are in.  You just can't  help but fear the worst, all while hoping for the best.  You have to hope.  You have a wonderful husband and three gorgeous kids (including this teeny tiny 6-week-old baby) who all need you.  At the very same time, their sweet faces staring up at you just reminds you of how much you have to lose.

And the chatter starts.  This is unfiltered brutal honesty of the chatter that Satan plants to set fear deep in my soul:  

"I may have cancer.  I could die.  I could leave my three babies without a mother.  I could leave my husband alone to manage the life that we are suppose to navigate together.  My sweet children who are supposed to grow up under my love and in my arms could be left alone (shudder).  If I do have cancer and do chemo, I'd have to quit breastfeeding.  How much will all of this cost?  What if I can't go back to work?  What if we can't afford to live? What if what it what if what if ……….????"

STOP.  BRAKES.  SILENCE.  NO.  Crash that chatterbox.

Fear is NEVER from the Lord.  Any thought ever that provokes worry is a lying voice meant to distract you from what you know is true about the everlasting, ever providing, ever loving God of the universe who created you and has infinite power and resources at your disposal.

All weekend, any time that any of these thoughts has crept in to my mind, I have just said NO WAY ENEMY.  Whatever my precious Jesus has for my path, He intends it all for good, and I will trust Him fully as we walk.  

With this mindset, I was actually able to experience so much joy this weekend with my beautiful family.  And today, I finally met with ENT.

The doctors explained that a submandibular gland growth is relatively rare.  40% of them are malignant, 60% are benign.  The best thing to do is to get it out as soon as possible.  We will need to biopsy the thyroid as well, but that will need to wait for another time because the tumor is more time sensitive,  I had my prayer troops praying that we could get in for surgery ASAP despite the short week due to 4th of July.  As a huge answer to that, the doctors made space in their schedule this Wednesday morning just for me.  

They will remove the gland, which involves working around a facial nerve.  There is some risk of temporary nerve damage (permanent damage is extremely rare).  Then we will need to wait for the tissue to be sent to pathology to tell us if it is benign or malignant.  We will also schedule a non-sedated biopsy of the thyroid to see what lies down that rabbit hole … hopefully nothing!

I think that is the gist of the ride we have been on.  

Prayer requests right now include:

1.  Safe and smooth surgery with divine hands and wisdom for the surgeons, anesthesiologist, nurses, etc.   I'm also very concerned about how breastfeeding will be impacted by the anesthesia or pain medication.  Please just help me be able to get back to breastfeeding as soon as is safely possible.  This is actually one of my biggest stressors through this all (because feeding her has been my number one priority for 6 weeks, and it needs to continue to be).  Also of course for no facial nerve involvement.  

2.  Benign, benign, benign.  We HATE cancer.  No room for cancer here.  BENIGN.

3.  God to be in the details.  Having 3 kids including breastfeeding a newborn who has struggled to gain weight is to say the least is as time consuming as it may sound (or more).  Keeping them fed, clothed, clean, happy, etc is just a lot when your mind is also racing around chaotic circumstances.  For peace in the midst of all the daily life that continues.

4.  Wisdom to know how much to share with the boys about what is going on, and for God to just give them joyful obliviousness and to get to continue a carefree wonderful summer.

5.  For God to be with our dear friends Jon and Kelly Klos.  We have shared life with them for 12 years, and their moving truck to Bend is set to drive away the exact time my surgery occurs.  To not be there to say goodbye is very hard.  It is just going to be a tough day for us all.  Please keep them safe in their travels and let them experience joy in their new journey even though it is coinciding with this hardship.

6.  For my forever friend Kristin who is waist deep in her own courageous battle with breast cancer.  We always were "twinsies" at Santa Clara … didn't plan to be twinsies in an arena like this.  Please visit her caring bridge site and pray for her with boldness.  She is amazing.  AMAZING.  

We are so very blessed to have so much help.  Our family is incredible, helping care for our kids and pick up the pieces of life that we can't right now.  Our friends are just exceptional.  I can't say enough thank you's.  

Alrighty, well that is that.  Here we go.  Hugs to all of you near and far who are my sideline cheerleaders.  You all know that I kicked some serious booty working out during this pregnancy, so I am a FIT, HEALTHY, STRONG, FAITHFUL woman and a force to be reckoned with with the power that shines through me.  ~ Jessica

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.  I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Genesis 28:15

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man/woman who takes refuge in Him."  Psalm 34:8

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken."  Psalm 62:5-6

I heart baby feet

I decided to take my own newborn photos of Hadley to save some money (oy I'm glad I did since our hospital bills will be a pretty penny now).  It was a great idea other than the fact that I have no time to post-process the photos I shot!  But this is one of my absolute favorites because when I look at it, I see two heart shapes with her feet and legs.  So sweet.

I will save all the other MANY baby feet photos for once I finally edit all her newborn pics, but my main reason for a post tonight is to say that Hadley gained weight!  Praise God!

I took her in to her weigh in today, and when I saw the scale read 7 lbs 6 oz, I burst into tears.  The wonderful nurse said, "Oh thank you Jesus" which then had me start crying even harder.  Yes, thank you Lord.  I just know in my heart of hearts that Hadley will continue to pack on the weight and grow like the healthy girl I know she is.  Thank you so much everyone for your prayers.

Ok, off to bed.  Night!!!

(Too) Tiny Peanut

The past two days have been quite the whirlwind.  Hadley was born 5 days late and weighed in at a hefty 7 lbs 11 oz, by far the biggest little Jordan.  She was probably very fluid overloaded from the IV fluids I got during delivery.  Since then, despite nursing great, she failed to regain her birth weight.  All babies lose weight in the first few days but typically are back up by at the least 3 weeks.  Hadley at least made it back to hospital discharge weight of 7 lb 1 oz a week ago which was reassuring.  

We thought her weight check on Wednesday would be just a formality to show that she was back on track, but she had actually lost weight over the past 8 days.  My heart literally dropped into my knees.  The pediatrician (who I know from working with her during her residency) looked at me and said, "Doernbecher or Randal?"  

Basically, we both knew that this weight loss was NOT okay, and Hadley had to be worked up as an inpatient at either of these two local children's hospitals.  Babies who are eating well don't just not gain weight.  Not this far along.  There had to be an underlying physical cause, and as a pediatric RN, I know way too many of the really scary ones.  Despite trying to stay calm, panic in my heart ensued.  I sat crying alone in the pediatricians office trying to feed my shrinking baby knowing that I had to pull it together to get to Tyler's kindergarten graduation in 20 minutes.  My absolutely perfect angel, the daughter I have waited a lifetime for, could be sick.  Any mother who has faced this reality can tell you that there is no emotion to describe this fear.  

I pulled it together best as I could and sat through Tyler's absolutely precious graduation.  Good thing we have it on video because I don't remember a thing.  It was a huge God thing that my entire immediate family was at the ceremony and scooped up the boys with loving arms while I ran home to grab stuff, and we headed to Doernbecher.  We were sent off with an amazing amount of prayer and love from the teachers and families of our incredible school Sonshine.  

Sitting in a room on my own very own unit as a mom instead of a nurse holding my perfect, beautiful baby facing the reality that something may be terribly wrong is an experience I will never forget.  I walk with parents through that experience all the time, but going through it myself rocked me to the core.   

 

My gratitude is never ending for the incredibly compassionate care of my exceptional co-workers.  Little miss has been poked, prodded, but of course also well adored.  

I can't even begin to summarize the experience.  I wish I had time to share the gamete of emotions, from the fear and surreal-ness of being a mom/patient to the unspeakable gratitude of the BEST team of colleagues in the ENTIRE WORLD who made it all just the best it could possibly be given the circumstance.  

Our nurses (my amazing friends) Alicia, Kacie, and Anne … I just can't thank you enough.  Our medical team was just exceptional, balancing the need to really examine all the possible causes without subjecting us to any unnecessary tests or worry.  We did the minimal tests to ensure there was nothing really obvious wrong.  What everyone kept coming to the conclusion of was: she is just too healthy to be sick.  Her physical assessment is that of an absolutely perfect baby.  This was the gut feel I had all along too, but it was so reassuring to keep hearing it over and over from the experts.  

We found a couple of funky lab values that made for quite the anxious evening, but God gave us his peace overnight that it was going to be ok.  We rechecked labs in the morning which gave us a little insight.  We are indescribably relieved to so far have found that the likely culprit is that her kidneys are just taking their time to grow up.  So, she's getting rid of a bit too much water (hence the weight loss) but this usually resolves on it's own. Thank you thank you faithful Lord, nothing else is a big red flag so far. 

So, rather than do any unnecessary invasive testing will do our best to give her extra feedings at home to keep her fluid intake high to help her compensate until her kidneys start to work like a big girls' should (likely soon).  

And so, we got to come home yesterday with a so far healthy baby.  My heart still just aches knowing how easily that could not have been the case and knowing that SO MANY families are told much worse answers.  I just credit the Lord's protective powers for bringing us through this scare with pretty much the best case scenario explanation.  

I helped design this white board as part of a unit project to make families feel part of their care.  I love that Alicia filled it out for us before we arrived.  

We are definitely not out of the woods yet because she needs to start gaining weight, but in the meantime everyone in in agreement that most likely Hadley is a teeny-tiny yet perfectly healthy little Jordan peanut.  We still absolutely welcome your prayers that this continues to be the case.  We go in for a weight check on Saturday.  Please Lord let her be nice and chubby :).  We are working super hard stuffing her up nice and full.

I was telling a friend that this will make me such a better nurse.  She sweetly replied that I'm already a pretty darn good one.  While I know this is true, there is just something that rocked me to the core about being a mom of a hospitalized child, even if just for two days.  I will refuse to feel awkward just sitting in silence for a moment with parents staring at their beautiful baby with them (sometimes no words are just the best way to be present).  I will never again dismiss the strong significance of bringing a mom a cup of tea, making a parent's bed up for them, or putting a sign on the door to help a family get some much needed sleep.  I will never forget to look a mom in the eye and tell her, "You are doing an amazing job.  None of this is your fault, and you are such a great mom."  I always try to get to these things, but sometimes they just seem trite in the grand scheme of things, or I wonder if they matter.  As the recipient of such kindness I now know 100% how much they matter!  "God is in the details" someone said to me during this experience.  Isn't that the truth?

The emotional spectrum of the past 3 days has been exhausting, as has all the extra work to pump Hadley up with fluid.  When we got home, we took the best skin-to-skin nap in the world.  

I had never been so grateful to be in my own bed with my sweet healthy baby.  Thank you Lord for making that possible, and thank you to everyone who has helped us feel so supported.  God has been in the details showered on us by those around us during this frightening experience.  We are blessed.  

Grow baby grow!!!!!!!

Complete

Clearly I've been more than a smidge MIA from the little Jordan family blog.  I have a REALLY good reason.

In the past 9 months since I posted last, I spent 4 of them horrendously nauseous/throwing up.  The other 5 I actually felt pretty good but was so incredibly exhausted and working like a mad woman to save up my time for maternity leave.  This crew had to by my number one priority:

But now, our ever so precious Ms. Hadley Lane Jordan is here and gorgeous.  There are not words to describe the entire experience of waiting for and finally meeting her.  Hopefully I will take time in the future to write about that.  Here she is in all her perfection.

Ok, now that we are caught up from the past year (wink, wink), let's get on to some much overdue blog posting.  I can't make any promises because life with 3 littles is complete and utter joyful chaos with very little if any left over energy for typing.  I'm not here to have a well visited blog.  Not at all.  

However,  the past 2 days have sort of rocked me to my core and have made me want to resume my love of sharing my perspective on our little life with those who love us.  The peaceful normalcy of life (however chaotic it may seem at the time) can all be taken from you in the blink of an eye when you find yourself in a situation that picks you up out of your life and plops you into one of your worst nightmares.  And so, I hope to celebrate "normal" by once again documenting a few ins-and-outs of daily life [faithfully].

"For Your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in your faithfulness." Psalm 26:3

~ Jessica