(Too) Tiny Peanut

The past two days have been quite the whirlwind.  Hadley was born 5 days late and weighed in at a hefty 7 lbs 11 oz, by far the biggest little Jordan.  She was probably very fluid overloaded from the IV fluids I got during delivery.  Since then, despite nursing great, she failed to regain her birth weight.  All babies lose weight in the first few days but typically are back up by at the least 3 weeks.  Hadley at least made it back to hospital discharge weight of 7 lb 1 oz a week ago which was reassuring.  

We thought her weight check on Wednesday would be just a formality to show that she was back on track, but she had actually lost weight over the past 8 days.  My heart literally dropped into my knees.  The pediatrician (who I know from working with her during her residency) looked at me and said, "Doernbecher or Randal?"  

Basically, we both knew that this weight loss was NOT okay, and Hadley had to be worked up as an inpatient at either of these two local children's hospitals.  Babies who are eating well don't just not gain weight.  Not this far along.  There had to be an underlying physical cause, and as a pediatric RN, I know way too many of the really scary ones.  Despite trying to stay calm, panic in my heart ensued.  I sat crying alone in the pediatricians office trying to feed my shrinking baby knowing that I had to pull it together to get to Tyler's kindergarten graduation in 20 minutes.  My absolutely perfect angel, the daughter I have waited a lifetime for, could be sick.  Any mother who has faced this reality can tell you that there is no emotion to describe this fear.  

I pulled it together best as I could and sat through Tyler's absolutely precious graduation.  Good thing we have it on video because I don't remember a thing.  It was a huge God thing that my entire immediate family was at the ceremony and scooped up the boys with loving arms while I ran home to grab stuff, and we headed to Doernbecher.  We were sent off with an amazing amount of prayer and love from the teachers and families of our incredible school Sonshine.  

Sitting in a room on my own very own unit as a mom instead of a nurse holding my perfect, beautiful baby facing the reality that something may be terribly wrong is an experience I will never forget.  I walk with parents through that experience all the time, but going through it myself rocked me to the core.   

 

My gratitude is never ending for the incredibly compassionate care of my exceptional co-workers.  Little miss has been poked, prodded, but of course also well adored.  

I can't even begin to summarize the experience.  I wish I had time to share the gamete of emotions, from the fear and surreal-ness of being a mom/patient to the unspeakable gratitude of the BEST team of colleagues in the ENTIRE WORLD who made it all just the best it could possibly be given the circumstance.  

Our nurses (my amazing friends) Alicia, Kacie, and Anne … I just can't thank you enough.  Our medical team was just exceptional, balancing the need to really examine all the possible causes without subjecting us to any unnecessary tests or worry.  We did the minimal tests to ensure there was nothing really obvious wrong.  What everyone kept coming to the conclusion of was: she is just too healthy to be sick.  Her physical assessment is that of an absolutely perfect baby.  This was the gut feel I had all along too, but it was so reassuring to keep hearing it over and over from the experts.  

We found a couple of funky lab values that made for quite the anxious evening, but God gave us his peace overnight that it was going to be ok.  We rechecked labs in the morning which gave us a little insight.  We are indescribably relieved to so far have found that the likely culprit is that her kidneys are just taking their time to grow up.  So, she's getting rid of a bit too much water (hence the weight loss) but this usually resolves on it's own. Thank you thank you faithful Lord, nothing else is a big red flag so far. 

So, rather than do any unnecessary invasive testing will do our best to give her extra feedings at home to keep her fluid intake high to help her compensate until her kidneys start to work like a big girls' should (likely soon).  

And so, we got to come home yesterday with a so far healthy baby.  My heart still just aches knowing how easily that could not have been the case and knowing that SO MANY families are told much worse answers.  I just credit the Lord's protective powers for bringing us through this scare with pretty much the best case scenario explanation.  

I helped design this white board as part of a unit project to make families feel part of their care.  I love that Alicia filled it out for us before we arrived.  

We are definitely not out of the woods yet because she needs to start gaining weight, but in the meantime everyone in in agreement that most likely Hadley is a teeny-tiny yet perfectly healthy little Jordan peanut.  We still absolutely welcome your prayers that this continues to be the case.  We go in for a weight check on Saturday.  Please Lord let her be nice and chubby :).  We are working super hard stuffing her up nice and full.

I was telling a friend that this will make me such a better nurse.  She sweetly replied that I'm already a pretty darn good one.  While I know this is true, there is just something that rocked me to the core about being a mom of a hospitalized child, even if just for two days.  I will refuse to feel awkward just sitting in silence for a moment with parents staring at their beautiful baby with them (sometimes no words are just the best way to be present).  I will never again dismiss the strong significance of bringing a mom a cup of tea, making a parent's bed up for them, or putting a sign on the door to help a family get some much needed sleep.  I will never forget to look a mom in the eye and tell her, "You are doing an amazing job.  None of this is your fault, and you are such a great mom."  I always try to get to these things, but sometimes they just seem trite in the grand scheme of things, or I wonder if they matter.  As the recipient of such kindness I now know 100% how much they matter!  "God is in the details" someone said to me during this experience.  Isn't that the truth?

The emotional spectrum of the past 3 days has been exhausting, as has all the extra work to pump Hadley up with fluid.  When we got home, we took the best skin-to-skin nap in the world.  

I had never been so grateful to be in my own bed with my sweet healthy baby.  Thank you Lord for making that possible, and thank you to everyone who has helped us feel so supported.  God has been in the details showered on us by those around us during this frightening experience.  We are blessed.  

Grow baby grow!!!!!!!